is it really creativity or just me trying to survive?

for the past few weeks, i’ve had this overwhelming urge to make things. so many things. it genuinely feels like my creativity has suddenly burst wide open, and i’ve never really felt this way before. but then i started wondering: what exactly is this phase i’m going through?

because at the same time, i’ve also never been this bored. i’m so, so bored of being at home all the time. i can’t seem to find a job that feels right for me because, honestly, every job sounds boring. i feel like i need to be somewhere new every day, doing something i’ve never done before. if i’m not constantly experiencing something new, i get bored out of my mind.

and the weirdest part is that even the things i used to genuinely enjoy have started to feel… ordinary. boring.

watching movies. journaling. taking care of my plants—which, by the way, are all dead now. even those things don’t excite me anymore. sometimes i think about starting them again, but then my brain immediately goes, i already know how this ends. i already know that it’ll only distract me for a little while. i’ll enjoy it for a moment, and then eventually i’ll be back here again, facing the same life i was trying to escape from. and ugh. i’m so tired of that.

so now i keep wondering if this sudden, almost frantic desire to learn how to make things—to pick up ceramics, drawing, crafts, photography, whatever happens to cross my mind—is actually my brain’s way of keeping me alive. is this my way of escaping boredom without even realizing that i’m trying to escape?

maybe i’m trying to fill some kind of void. maybe i just desperately need to feel like i’m going somewhere. the problem is, i’m overwhelmed by both of them. i’m overwhelmed by the tsunami of ideas constantly crashing into my brain. i want to make everything. learn everything. try everything. and somehow, even that starts to feel exhausting. but i’m also suffocating under this enormous feeling of boredom sitting in my chest.

it’s such a strange combination—to have too many things you want to do and, at the same time, feel like nothing is worth doing. i genuinely don’t know what i’m supposed to do with all of this. i just know that i’m tired of feeling stuck.